NaPo April 3

The Photographer Takes Lily’s Portrait

Comment here, if you so desire.

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5 thoughts on “NaPo April 3

  1. Proper crit is fine here on the blog. I never say no to it.

    I’m getting lots of fluff over at PFFA (oddly enough) — that’s what the NaPo forum’s for. Daily poems and fluffiness.

    Cheers.

  2. Well, here you go then.

    ‘heady lies’ is unpleasant to my ear, as is ‘supple-tough’. I might suggest ‘able as leather’.

    Heady and dredged don’t seem to mesh… could you just lose ‘heady’ altogether, or does that make the line too stark?

    The rhymes are well done IMO, and the narrative is clear.

    ‘to make his mother stretch her mouth and laugh.’

    Love this line, though I can’t tell if you’re truly intending what I’m reading into it. I suspect you are.

    I don’t entirely see the significance of the hyms and I expected a punchier end to the tale. It works in terms of character and I believe it but it doesn’t seem particularly revealing or uplifting.

    ‘Her face was stone.’

    This is simple cliche. You don’t need it IMHO – you could simply add ‘but’ before ‘His father’s epitaph
    was cut’.

    I do like desert-soldier Mark. He adds something biblical and ominous.

    In general, the characters are solidly drawn, the narrative is moving and the only puzzle I was stumped on was the end: ‘clicks clicks clicks’? This would seem to be significant and perhaps makes the finale stronger than I’d thought, but I can’t tell how.

    I’m making firm plans to read the rest of your lily poems, by the way; I have intended to do so for a while, but I am lazy, so sequences and epics often pass me by.

    Have fun.

    endlessly

  3. A million thanks; you’ve given me plenty to work on.

    I’ll have to find a place to put Lily where you can read the poems. They’re going out for publication so I’ve removed all final versions from the web though there are earlier drafts hanging around PFFA, and there a couple of more recent ones (like completed in 2007) currently at the Gazebo.

    I may set up a private page on this blog for them, and then I’ll have to shoot you a password. But that won’ t be till the weekend, probably.

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